What's on my mind

I haven't been posting lately cause I was afraid to say too much But sometimes it's time to face the truth although I still don't know what I want o do with it. It is fun how you can talk about something, discuss the matter with friends and not face it all until some stupid event triggers everything.

We've had a rough year with my husband. First of all because Vietnam is not an easy country to live in for me. I'm confronted for the first time in my life to true racism and I've had a difficult time to live with it. It is also difficult for my husband cause for as much as I hate it, he for once feels like he does fit in and is even upset with me for spoiling his time.

The second difficulty is my husband's change of mind on the children matter. I did see it coming but thought we could sort it up. We did buy a house this summer and one of our criteria was for it to have enough bedrooms for two children plus his parents. Well, my husband does not want to have kids anymore, and the more time goes by the more categorical he is. The fact is, I’ve always wanted to have kids and I was really looking forward to start this big project with him. I’ve always thought that my husband would make a great dad and that was one of the reasons I didn’t mind so much not to work.

I did try to get over the fact to not have kids. Not every woman has some and they do live happy ever after so why not me? The problem is that I can’t really imagine my future as it is now without kids. Living abroad, taking care of my husband and hoping to find a job at our next destination. The problem is that my husband does not want me to work in a school, he does not want us to be coworkers, which does decrease the chances to find a job. Such a life kind of does lack of social recognition (did I say that my husband does not want me to work for NGO’s?) and although it might be fun (I would still get the chance to travel much!) doesn’t seem that much appealing.

Seeing that I would not be happy as a housewife in a foreign country, and recent problems with my godchild, I suggested we try to go back home. It seems it has never been my husband’s intention to ever go back to Brussels, which is a big misunderstanding as I’ve never intended to leave forever. I’m really attached to my home country and even more to my city as many of you know. It is true that, when we left for Istanbul, my relationship with my family wasn’t the best but it has considerably improved and I was looking forward to head back home at some point. My grandma’s dead, my godchild’s recent problems at school and my difficulties to adapt here made me long to go home but this was no possibility for my husband.

My last problem is that, going through all these months of discussions, hard words have been said. When my husband first told me he didn’t want to have kids, he didn’t say it was because he didn’t feel like it but because he didn’t think I would make a good mother. When I suggested sending a job application on my name also when he applies for new schools next year he said he didn’t want colleagues to complain about me. When we talked about working for NGO’s so to not cut completely with the world he said he did not think I would be able to work in such a demanding atmosphere. There have been more harsh words, and I’m sure I must have said some too, although I did try to keep my calm because I knew it was my husband’s way to push me away, but when I gave him later a chance to take them back, to say he didn’t completely think them, he did not. In fact he even justified himself by saying even more harsh words. And maybe that is what is the most painful.

So now I’m at a crossroad and I don’t know which way to head to. I’ve been raised by my Grandma and she always told me that marriage is a serious thing you should not trifle with. I’ve tried to find solutions but now I just feel at a lost. Waking up early because you have a family to tend to is ok, waking up every morning to prepare my husband’s lunch and breakfast… Should it make such a difference? I know my husband loves me, but am I really supposed to agree with him thinking so low of me? To even think he would do a better job as a houseman than I do? Though that might have been right when we first arrived in Istanbul, I did go a long way since then and did much improve my cooking, planning, organizing and cleaning skills. When will it be enough?

It is a rough day and those are rash words to be sent on the internet but maybe it is time for me to just face it all and see where I’m heading to as well. It’s painful, definitely more painful than I thought it would ever be and I could use some kind words and maybe some advice as well.

I should post this now or I will never do so. Sorry all to bother you with such bad news, hope you’ll understand and not spread the word. There are only a very few people that have this blog address and I really would like to keep it from spreading out.

Big kisses.

Mara

Reading, reading... sharing?

I've been reading a lot lately (as usual) and as I have some difficulties to keep posting I thought that sharing my favorites quotes might be a good way to keep posting... So here is my first:

Marc Levy, Les enfants de la liberté :

« Le plus important, quand on veut vivre à deux toute une vie, est d’être sûr que l’on ne s’ennuiera pas ensemble. L’ennui dans un couple, c’est ce qu’il y a de pire, c’est lui qui tue l’amour. Tant que tu feras rire Alice, tant que tu lui donneras l’envie de te retrouver, alors que tu viens à peine de la quitter pour aller travailler, tant que tu seras celui dont elle partage les confidences et à qui elle aime aussi se confier, tant que tu vivras tes rêves avec elle, même ceux que tu ne pourras pas réaliser, alors je suis certaine que quelles que soient tes origines, la seule chose qui sera étrangère à votre couple sera le monde et ses jaloux. »

It seems that even quotes can tell a lot about someone's mind: my Husband and I have gone through a lot lately and this quote reminds me that it could be much worse! We have different views on many subjects but at least we are not borred and I still look forward for when he comes back from school. There is still hope!

Retaliation

Quote:  “The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” ― Thomas Szasz

It's been a while since I last wrote here. It's not that I didn't have anything to write about but simply that I didn't have time to do so. I still don't have much time, since we came back from holidays I spend my time cooking, reading and enjoying every minute I have. But there I am again in need of a friend.

I'm reading a very interesting cycle, that I have enjoyed in the past already, the blue bicycle by Regine Deforges. Its subject is the world war two and the book I'm currently reading is the one that disrupt me the most. (for those who know the cycle it's the third book). It goes about the end of the war and the way the French people treated the ones that collaborated or supposedly helped the Germans during the war. The crimes the Gestapo and the French people helping them have done were awful undoubtfully but the way those "free" French treated them don't seem any better to me. What I don’t understand is why people so upset about what those people did, ended up acting exactly the same way?

My Husband says I'm too naive and that this is the way people are. But, how can someone rightfully condemn another for doing something by doing exactly the same thing to that person? Not only at war but every day. Isn't that the reason we have codes and justice? to make sure that people that didn't behave well pay for what they did? It definitely is not the same and the system is far from being perfect, but would it really be ok to take justice into your own hands? Sath does think it is, I don’t think he would think long to fight back if ever someone attacked him, which I would understand, but if there was another option wouldn’t it be better to take it? I could understand that you protect yourself, but would it be ok afterwards to take justice into your own hand instead of going to the Authorities? And then, how long should we condemn people? Don’t they deserve a real second chance if they truly show they want one? Of course there are some people that show no remorse but it isn’t the majority, is it?

However, this leads to a second question: can everything be excused? is there a second chance for everything? Would people continue to behave according to morale if there were no consequences to their behavior? Isn’t that also why so many people collaborated with the Germans, thinking that no one would never know and they could just do whatever they wanted? But where is the limit? My mother often says that if she could she would kill the man that rapped and sequestrated those 4 little girls in Belgium. I can’t agree with her but I can’t say that I would’t agree if it had happen to someone in my Family. After watching the movie Trust (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1529572/) my Husband and I completely disagreed on the father’s actions. He said he would have behaved exactly the same way, that it is a father’s duty to protect its family and that he had to chase and fight back. I truly believe that there are other ways to react, first because his daughter needed him, and then because taking a life for a life wouldn’t serve anything. He would be dead, but how many are there to take his place? I truly believe that the way the parents of the girls in Belgium reacted was right. They build an association, one of the biggest at this time in Belgium and Europe, to help find missing children and to fight for children rights.

As my step father often says "we are always keener with ourselves than with the others". Maybe that just sums it up... I don't know, I honestly feel lost thinking that people can talk about justice and honesty and merit but confronted to “hardness” they throw it all away and act just like the people they condemn. I want to believe in second chances, I do believe that even in the worse person there can be some light. Does that make me naïve? Maybe, but is it wrong? I hope not because I definitely don’t want this part of myself to disappear.

What ae your thoughts on these subjects? Have you seen the movie Trust? what did you think about it?

Being a woman, a wife and then become a mother

Quote: “That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.” ― Emily Dickinson

One of the reasons I so easily understood my Husband’s point of view on not having a baby is that I don’t feel ready to become a mother just yet. I’ve always thought that being a woman is something that comes naturally but only recently have I started paying attention to my own needs and not feel guilty about it. As a human being and as a woman I have needs and cravings that only I can listen to, but they take time and sometimes money, and I used to feel guilty or even stupid acting that way.

Now I’m also a wife and I have to take care of my Husband’s needs as well as mine. The key is to keep both our needs balanced which again is not something that comes just like that. I’ve been upset with my Husband because he didn’t do something I wanted him to but didn’t ask him to do (I’m sure I’m not the only one in that case!) or because he asked me to do something I said I would do although I had something else planned for myself. The worst thing is that I didn’t even noticed being upset with him about it and I felt even worse that he thought I was. So we started discussing and found out we both were expecting a lot from each other and definitely needed to remember we were just normal human beings. It’s been some time since we are together but this year has been the first one we really have time to acknowledge these points and take time to find answers. There is no moving, no new school adaptation (well yes but nothing compared to Koç!), no studies and no big changes. We can take some time to try and understand each other more easily.

Becoming parents is a life changing experience. It takes time and can be a real challenge. As a woman your body changes and you go through many different phases where you come to love and hate yourself as well as those around you. As a couple you need to find a new balance where both lose time for each other as well as for one self. This is why we decided to give each other at least one more year before having a baby. We both need some more time and although time is running by (my Husband is 37 now) we both believe we will make better parents if we first take time to be better persons and a better couple.

So this is what this year will be dedicated to: finding oneself and each other. Let’s hope we reach our goal.

As my tradition wants it:

The good: dedicating our time to understand each other and oneself

The bad: risking to lose a great opportunity to become parents

Babyboom

Quote: “There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.” ― Willa Cather

When we arrived in Vietnam there was one thing I couldn’t miss: this country is baby addicted! It has nothing to do with the Turkish way, here it looked like every woman was pregnant! I’m not kidding! When we arrived in August you couldn’t look anywhere without seeing a pregnant woman! Of course, while there are pregnant woman everywhere there are also a lot of cute babies around and slowly I found myself thinking about being pregnant. It’s not the first time that I consider the subject. For those who didn’t notice taking care of wonderful babies like Harrison and also sometimes Ian and Sajama made me languish to be a mother. I’ve always loved kids and I’ve always known I wanted to have some. However events have proven that being pregnant in Turkey wasn’t the right thing to do. And so here I am again, not working, not studying either and analyzing the possibilities.

As we since then have found an agreement, this post doesn’t have quite its intensity anymore but still, I found the experience enlightening and I’m sure I would love to have your points on the question. So here was the problem: Sath, after considering the mater on his own, told me two month ago that he didn’t wanted to have kids anymore. That was definitely not a great discussion, even less when he said he didn’t think I would make a good mom, and we agreed on giving each other until January to take a final decision. So there I was considering giving up my biggest dream. I remembered asking myself what I would have done if I had been in a friend’s shoes as she was facing that exact problem, and my reaction had been to say I would leave, I could not give this all up. Easy to say! Then a friend came by and added: “but don’t you want to have those kids with him?” And my answer was: “Yes, of course! If I married him it was also because I thought he would be a great dad!” As I won’t leave him and I won’t force him to have a baby, my two options are to find arguments to show him that being a father would be a great experience or to find a way to be happy without ever being a mother:

Considering not being a mother:

 - I love the life we have and being parents would force us to give up time for each other and our own.

- We can continue to travel without having to be over cautious.

- Living abroad will not be a problem.

- I will still be happy and more of all my Husband will be.

- I don’t know what I might be missing and not knowing make it more difficult to give up.

- I might always ask myself “what if?” and even though I know he didn’t think what he said, I will always ask myself if I would have been a good mother.

- Having a kid adds a lot of responsibilities and stress and I don’t deal well with stress.

- It would change my body and might even put all my efforts back to nothing.

- There are many countries where having a child can be inconvenient, here it would force us to travel by cab every time and be even more cautious.

Trying to rationalize the urge to be a mother:

- Kids are special, seeing them grow and develop is a life changing experience.

- They change a lot in our life but won’t change what we don’t want them to change.

- They add stress and responsibilities but give tons of love in exchange.

- They unleash so many feelings you didn’t even think existed.

- They give a more profound meaning to your life and can lighten up your day just like that.

- They take time but you can still do what you like around or with them. It just takes some adaptation.

- Having a baby in Vietnam would give me the time and opportunity to get my body back (at least as much as possible) and to smooth the changes in our lives (we can easily take a nanny).

- Traveling would take more planning but I already am a planning queen so…

- The fact that it will be our kid puts all the difficulties into perspective and makes it much easier to deal with the down parts.

- There would be a part of us both growing and hopefully continuing the small changes we try to make on this world.

My biggest problem was that I understand my Husband’s point. I don’t feel ready yet to have a baby, I would love to have more time for myself and to enjoy some easy traveling experiences while we are in Asia. But the more time passes by the less Sath is willing to have kids and, as pointed out above, it is him I want to have a kid with. This left me here, trying to make a rational choice out of something that definitely is not rational and with the hope we could agree somewhere in between!

So, what are your thoughts on this?

To end it right, the good and the bad:

Good: Gave my Husband and I the chance to discuss the matter further and to set everything into perspective.

Bad: I still don't know why I so much want to have a child... is it just selfish, to go through childhood again?

The difficulties of living in Vietnam...

Someone when I lived in Turkey used the expression a "Bad Turkish Day", I use it here now and today definitely was a bad vietnamese day.

It started well. I played dress up (as if I had to go to work) and went out to explore our surroundings and then went to Sath's school to bring him some cookies. I had a great time but as often when I get out on my own... it didn't end well.

On my way back home a men came by and took a picture of me with his cell phone. You might find it strange that I don't take it as a compliment, although I didn't take it badly neither. It's just that I don't understand why people would want to take a picture of me, I’m no famous person, and not even bother ask if I would agree! Last weekend when we were in lake BaBe, some people even tricked me away from Sath so that they could take pictures of me with them. I didn't say no, but at the same time I really don't understand their motivation, and what I dislike most is that I know they would never dare to do the same with any Vietnamese couple. Why is it different for us then?

However if it had ended with this it wouldn't have bother me, as it made me more laugh than upset me. No what really did upset me was that again I got tricked and ripped off while trying to buy fruits on my way home. I don't care that much about the money, it wasn't much more than a dollar she took from me, what upsets me is that she did it feeling proud of herself and with women around her laughing and almost sheering. The story goes like this: I tried to buy one mango and when she told me the price it was definitely too much, I tried to back off but I had money in my hand (that's still the way I work 'cause they don't all pronounce the numbers the same way). So she made the mango drop and while I turned my attention to it she took the money from my hand and put it in her pocket. What could I do? What should I have done? I took what was left of my pride and went home. I'm not the one that will yell and even if I had it wasn't worth it as they wouldn't have understood me. However, here I am feeling really upset.

I don't care for the money, she might definitely need it more than I do, but what I don't understand is why. Why would someone do something like that? Sath says it's just because I'm white and I had nice clothes on (although they do it even with normal clothes on!) but does that really excuse her behaviour? Since we arrived I have had many different and opposite feelings about this country. I'm sure you wonder what the big deal is. I don't know what really disturbs me the most. I think it is mostly the idea, after many different stories like this, that I don't mean anything to them but the money in my wallet. I'm not even a person, or at least that's the impression I get. I've had people yelling at me, some trying to make jokes (or so I have understood afterwards) some for no reason, but whatever they want from me the only thing I get is that they shout at me, and that isn't really something that make you want to stick around! Some look at me in disdain because I wear a skirt while women here wear mini skirt daily with transparent blouses to go to work! It just seems that whatever I do is wrong and some days it just is overwhelming and I want to hide home for the rest of our stay.

After discussing the matter with Sath I found out that what disrupt me is that what I’m being a target of racism. It has never happened to me before. In every country where I’ve gone I’ve been able to be accepted and to fit in as much as possible. The problem here is that I can’t fit in, I am too different. I understand better now why some foreigners don’t try to fit in when they arrive in Belgium. Racism is not easy to deal with and I wonder if I wouldn’t be happier if we lived in the foreigner’s district here in Hanoi. I know I won’t move but it doesn’t mean the idea is not appealing. Whatever I do, I feel as if I lost all my rights as a human being. I could try to fit in, I could try to understand the language better but that wouldn’t make me less foreign. My only solution is to look at the bright side: now I understand better what racism is like, and I can try to be even more sensitive on the matter. We live in a foreign country, we work there and make money there, we don’t speak the language and, although we don’t live among other foreigners, we don’t live like Vietnamese. We continue to believe in our gods and worship them the way we would at home. Isn’t this what Belgians get upset about? We try to understand how people live here and we try to fit in, but we are still seen as foreigners and therefore we don’t want to make as much effort to change our ways. Yeah, I will continue making friends and try to fit in some more but I hope I won’t forget what it feels like and won’t be so ready to judge the ones that take the easy way and don’t bother.

I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day but today I needed to get this out of my mind...

As there are many things that drive me crazy here I decided to end all my posts balancing the good and the bad:

Bad: Feeling ripped off of all my rights as a human being

Good: Having great friends that take the time to think outside their box and understand my distress. (Thanks for the chat Nam!)

There shall be a start...

A friend of mine advised me to start writing a blog. I was thinking about doing so for a while but never really got into it... Maybe now is the right time to give it a try.

The question now is where and what to start with? Last event being our trip to lake Ba Be I think it would be nice to share my discoveries.

We've been lucky since we arrived in Vietnam. We've been here for three month and we have already been on three trips: Halong bay, Sapa mountains and now Ba Be lake! Although I like Hanoi (I should definitely make a post about it) getting out of the city is a real relief!

While our first road trip out of the city wasn't quite what I expected, big roads - no countryside greenery - lots of dust, this time I have been fulfilled with great scenery, small villages and most of all real "out of the city" life.

The bus trip started at five a.m. on Saturday morning. Going through the city and seeing people waking up and going on with their morning gym was already a good counterpart to the early wake up but the real joy started once outside of the city and going through small villages and large fields of corn and rice. Although there is also a lot of constructions going on and you will see here and there big advertising sings in front of empty roads waiting for buyers to build their home. This really is strange to see!

Most of the towns are overwhelmed with motorbikes as it is the main mean of transport nowadays, and there are more and more cars as well, but you can still spot many bicycles. I was lucky enough to spot a school entrance filled with kids on their bicycles all of them wearing the same jacket and all the girls wearing their long black hair in a ponytail. It is nice to watch those kids going together to school and laughing/playing all the way.

While many houses are now made of bricks, the richest ones follow a very french colonial fashion with many of them having their construction year engraved, there are still many partly or entirely made of wood and even some made of straw. The further away you get of the city the less chance there are any sewage system. At those places, most houses are built on stilts to avoid being flooded and have a little shed at the end of their garden as toilets. I was amazed there are some as I got the feeling here in Hanoï that toilets are something new to people (I shall elaborate further later).

One thing funny and pretty similar to the city is that meat, fruits and veggies are sold on small planches or tarpaulin on the side of the road while grocery goods (biscuits, cans, chips etc.) can be found in hard build houses. Seeing how much dust is lifted by the traffic, I'm not sure they have it the right way! They also dry their corn and rice on the road side or in front of their house which makes it sometimes tricky to go by, although our bus driver didn't pay any attention to it!

Once in the middle of nowhere, most houses have their own kitchen garden that old ladies water with big ladles our sticks at which a can has been attached. I was amazed at how much we take for granted: I would never have thought that they wouldn't use a hose! I've always been "attracted" to old ladies, but since we arrived here I've grown an obsession for them. They seem so petite and weak but their eyes show such strength they definitely inspire respect. This must partly be explained by the fact that most women work all by themselves in the fields. I haven't seen half as many men as woman working in the rice paddles. I believe that's because they work in towns but my Husband said there are chances that they are drinking their money away! (at least that's what happened in Laos when he was younger). I didn't get the chance to take a picture of it but I found it so funny that everywhere you could fine "Bia Hoi" (pubs) with each of them having at least one pool table. Not something you would find in Brussels!

Those are mostly things I noticed on the way in and out Ba Be. We had a great time there as well and definitely enjoyed every moment but we didn't get much time to explore. However, it was really nice to travel with vietnamese people and live at their pace (what about taking a two hours nap after a seven hours bus trip!). We'll definitely jump on the next opportunity to do it again!