What's on my mind

I haven't been posting lately cause I was afraid to say too much But sometimes it's time to face the truth although I still don't know what I want o do with it. It is fun how you can talk about something, discuss the matter with friends and not face it all until some stupid event triggers everything.

We've had a rough year with my husband. First of all because Vietnam is not an easy country to live in for me. I'm confronted for the first time in my life to true racism and I've had a difficult time to live with it. It is also difficult for my husband cause for as much as I hate it, he for once feels like he does fit in and is even upset with me for spoiling his time.

The second difficulty is my husband's change of mind on the children matter. I did see it coming but thought we could sort it up. We did buy a house this summer and one of our criteria was for it to have enough bedrooms for two children plus his parents. Well, my husband does not want to have kids anymore, and the more time goes by the more categorical he is. The fact is, I’ve always wanted to have kids and I was really looking forward to start this big project with him. I’ve always thought that my husband would make a great dad and that was one of the reasons I didn’t mind so much not to work.

I did try to get over the fact to not have kids. Not every woman has some and they do live happy ever after so why not me? The problem is that I can’t really imagine my future as it is now without kids. Living abroad, taking care of my husband and hoping to find a job at our next destination. The problem is that my husband does not want me to work in a school, he does not want us to be coworkers, which does decrease the chances to find a job. Such a life kind of does lack of social recognition (did I say that my husband does not want me to work for NGO’s?) and although it might be fun (I would still get the chance to travel much!) doesn’t seem that much appealing.

Seeing that I would not be happy as a housewife in a foreign country, and recent problems with my godchild, I suggested we try to go back home. It seems it has never been my husband’s intention to ever go back to Brussels, which is a big misunderstanding as I’ve never intended to leave forever. I’m really attached to my home country and even more to my city as many of you know. It is true that, when we left for Istanbul, my relationship with my family wasn’t the best but it has considerably improved and I was looking forward to head back home at some point. My grandma’s dead, my godchild’s recent problems at school and my difficulties to adapt here made me long to go home but this was no possibility for my husband.

My last problem is that, going through all these months of discussions, hard words have been said. When my husband first told me he didn’t want to have kids, he didn’t say it was because he didn’t feel like it but because he didn’t think I would make a good mother. When I suggested sending a job application on my name also when he applies for new schools next year he said he didn’t want colleagues to complain about me. When we talked about working for NGO’s so to not cut completely with the world he said he did not think I would be able to work in such a demanding atmosphere. There have been more harsh words, and I’m sure I must have said some too, although I did try to keep my calm because I knew it was my husband’s way to push me away, but when I gave him later a chance to take them back, to say he didn’t completely think them, he did not. In fact he even justified himself by saying even more harsh words. And maybe that is what is the most painful.

So now I’m at a crossroad and I don’t know which way to head to. I’ve been raised by my Grandma and she always told me that marriage is a serious thing you should not trifle with. I’ve tried to find solutions but now I just feel at a lost. Waking up early because you have a family to tend to is ok, waking up every morning to prepare my husband’s lunch and breakfast… Should it make such a difference? I know my husband loves me, but am I really supposed to agree with him thinking so low of me? To even think he would do a better job as a houseman than I do? Though that might have been right when we first arrived in Istanbul, I did go a long way since then and did much improve my cooking, planning, organizing and cleaning skills. When will it be enough?

It is a rough day and those are rash words to be sent on the internet but maybe it is time for me to just face it all and see where I’m heading to as well. It’s painful, definitely more painful than I thought it would ever be and I could use some kind words and maybe some advice as well.

I should post this now or I will never do so. Sorry all to bother you with such bad news, hope you’ll understand and not spread the word. There are only a very few people that have this blog address and I really would like to keep it from spreading out.

Big kisses.

Mara