What's on my mind

I haven't been posting lately cause I was afraid to say too much But sometimes it's time to face the truth although I still don't know what I want o do with it. It is fun how you can talk about something, discuss the matter with friends and not face it all until some stupid event triggers everything.

We've had a rough year with my husband. First of all because Vietnam is not an easy country to live in for me. I'm confronted for the first time in my life to true racism and I've had a difficult time to live with it. It is also difficult for my husband cause for as much as I hate it, he for once feels like he does fit in and is even upset with me for spoiling his time.

The second difficulty is my husband's change of mind on the children matter. I did see it coming but thought we could sort it up. We did buy a house this summer and one of our criteria was for it to have enough bedrooms for two children plus his parents. Well, my husband does not want to have kids anymore, and the more time goes by the more categorical he is. The fact is, I’ve always wanted to have kids and I was really looking forward to start this big project with him. I’ve always thought that my husband would make a great dad and that was one of the reasons I didn’t mind so much not to work.

I did try to get over the fact to not have kids. Not every woman has some and they do live happy ever after so why not me? The problem is that I can’t really imagine my future as it is now without kids. Living abroad, taking care of my husband and hoping to find a job at our next destination. The problem is that my husband does not want me to work in a school, he does not want us to be coworkers, which does decrease the chances to find a job. Such a life kind of does lack of social recognition (did I say that my husband does not want me to work for NGO’s?) and although it might be fun (I would still get the chance to travel much!) doesn’t seem that much appealing.

Seeing that I would not be happy as a housewife in a foreign country, and recent problems with my godchild, I suggested we try to go back home. It seems it has never been my husband’s intention to ever go back to Brussels, which is a big misunderstanding as I’ve never intended to leave forever. I’m really attached to my home country and even more to my city as many of you know. It is true that, when we left for Istanbul, my relationship with my family wasn’t the best but it has considerably improved and I was looking forward to head back home at some point. My grandma’s dead, my godchild’s recent problems at school and my difficulties to adapt here made me long to go home but this was no possibility for my husband.

My last problem is that, going through all these months of discussions, hard words have been said. When my husband first told me he didn’t want to have kids, he didn’t say it was because he didn’t feel like it but because he didn’t think I would make a good mother. When I suggested sending a job application on my name also when he applies for new schools next year he said he didn’t want colleagues to complain about me. When we talked about working for NGO’s so to not cut completely with the world he said he did not think I would be able to work in such a demanding atmosphere. There have been more harsh words, and I’m sure I must have said some too, although I did try to keep my calm because I knew it was my husband’s way to push me away, but when I gave him later a chance to take them back, to say he didn’t completely think them, he did not. In fact he even justified himself by saying even more harsh words. And maybe that is what is the most painful.

So now I’m at a crossroad and I don’t know which way to head to. I’ve been raised by my Grandma and she always told me that marriage is a serious thing you should not trifle with. I’ve tried to find solutions but now I just feel at a lost. Waking up early because you have a family to tend to is ok, waking up every morning to prepare my husband’s lunch and breakfast… Should it make such a difference? I know my husband loves me, but am I really supposed to agree with him thinking so low of me? To even think he would do a better job as a houseman than I do? Though that might have been right when we first arrived in Istanbul, I did go a long way since then and did much improve my cooking, planning, organizing and cleaning skills. When will it be enough?

It is a rough day and those are rash words to be sent on the internet but maybe it is time for me to just face it all and see where I’m heading to as well. It’s painful, definitely more painful than I thought it would ever be and I could use some kind words and maybe some advice as well.

I should post this now or I will never do so. Sorry all to bother you with such bad news, hope you’ll understand and not spread the word. There are only a very few people that have this blog address and I really would like to keep it from spreading out.

Big kisses.

Mara

Reading, reading... sharing?

I've been reading a lot lately (as usual) and as I have some difficulties to keep posting I thought that sharing my favorites quotes might be a good way to keep posting... So here is my first:

Marc Levy, Les enfants de la liberté :

« Le plus important, quand on veut vivre à deux toute une vie, est d’être sûr que l’on ne s’ennuiera pas ensemble. L’ennui dans un couple, c’est ce qu’il y a de pire, c’est lui qui tue l’amour. Tant que tu feras rire Alice, tant que tu lui donneras l’envie de te retrouver, alors que tu viens à peine de la quitter pour aller travailler, tant que tu seras celui dont elle partage les confidences et à qui elle aime aussi se confier, tant que tu vivras tes rêves avec elle, même ceux que tu ne pourras pas réaliser, alors je suis certaine que quelles que soient tes origines, la seule chose qui sera étrangère à votre couple sera le monde et ses jaloux. »

It seems that even quotes can tell a lot about someone's mind: my Husband and I have gone through a lot lately and this quote reminds me that it could be much worse! We have different views on many subjects but at least we are not borred and I still look forward for when he comes back from school. There is still hope!

Being a woman, a wife and then become a mother

Quote: “That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.” ― Emily Dickinson

One of the reasons I so easily understood my Husband’s point of view on not having a baby is that I don’t feel ready to become a mother just yet. I’ve always thought that being a woman is something that comes naturally but only recently have I started paying attention to my own needs and not feel guilty about it. As a human being and as a woman I have needs and cravings that only I can listen to, but they take time and sometimes money, and I used to feel guilty or even stupid acting that way.

Now I’m also a wife and I have to take care of my Husband’s needs as well as mine. The key is to keep both our needs balanced which again is not something that comes just like that. I’ve been upset with my Husband because he didn’t do something I wanted him to but didn’t ask him to do (I’m sure I’m not the only one in that case!) or because he asked me to do something I said I would do although I had something else planned for myself. The worst thing is that I didn’t even noticed being upset with him about it and I felt even worse that he thought I was. So we started discussing and found out we both were expecting a lot from each other and definitely needed to remember we were just normal human beings. It’s been some time since we are together but this year has been the first one we really have time to acknowledge these points and take time to find answers. There is no moving, no new school adaptation (well yes but nothing compared to Koç!), no studies and no big changes. We can take some time to try and understand each other more easily.

Becoming parents is a life changing experience. It takes time and can be a real challenge. As a woman your body changes and you go through many different phases where you come to love and hate yourself as well as those around you. As a couple you need to find a new balance where both lose time for each other as well as for one self. This is why we decided to give each other at least one more year before having a baby. We both need some more time and although time is running by (my Husband is 37 now) we both believe we will make better parents if we first take time to be better persons and a better couple.

So this is what this year will be dedicated to: finding oneself and each other. Let’s hope we reach our goal.

As my tradition wants it:

The good: dedicating our time to understand each other and oneself

The bad: risking to lose a great opportunity to become parents