What's on my mind

I haven't been posting lately cause I was afraid to say too much But sometimes it's time to face the truth although I still don't know what I want o do with it. It is fun how you can talk about something, discuss the matter with friends and not face it all until some stupid event triggers everything.

We've had a rough year with my husband. First of all because Vietnam is not an easy country to live in for me. I'm confronted for the first time in my life to true racism and I've had a difficult time to live with it. It is also difficult for my husband cause for as much as I hate it, he for once feels like he does fit in and is even upset with me for spoiling his time.

The second difficulty is my husband's change of mind on the children matter. I did see it coming but thought we could sort it up. We did buy a house this summer and one of our criteria was for it to have enough bedrooms for two children plus his parents. Well, my husband does not want to have kids anymore, and the more time goes by the more categorical he is. The fact is, I’ve always wanted to have kids and I was really looking forward to start this big project with him. I’ve always thought that my husband would make a great dad and that was one of the reasons I didn’t mind so much not to work.

I did try to get over the fact to not have kids. Not every woman has some and they do live happy ever after so why not me? The problem is that I can’t really imagine my future as it is now without kids. Living abroad, taking care of my husband and hoping to find a job at our next destination. The problem is that my husband does not want me to work in a school, he does not want us to be coworkers, which does decrease the chances to find a job. Such a life kind of does lack of social recognition (did I say that my husband does not want me to work for NGO’s?) and although it might be fun (I would still get the chance to travel much!) doesn’t seem that much appealing.

Seeing that I would not be happy as a housewife in a foreign country, and recent problems with my godchild, I suggested we try to go back home. It seems it has never been my husband’s intention to ever go back to Brussels, which is a big misunderstanding as I’ve never intended to leave forever. I’m really attached to my home country and even more to my city as many of you know. It is true that, when we left for Istanbul, my relationship with my family wasn’t the best but it has considerably improved and I was looking forward to head back home at some point. My grandma’s dead, my godchild’s recent problems at school and my difficulties to adapt here made me long to go home but this was no possibility for my husband.

My last problem is that, going through all these months of discussions, hard words have been said. When my husband first told me he didn’t want to have kids, he didn’t say it was because he didn’t feel like it but because he didn’t think I would make a good mother. When I suggested sending a job application on my name also when he applies for new schools next year he said he didn’t want colleagues to complain about me. When we talked about working for NGO’s so to not cut completely with the world he said he did not think I would be able to work in such a demanding atmosphere. There have been more harsh words, and I’m sure I must have said some too, although I did try to keep my calm because I knew it was my husband’s way to push me away, but when I gave him later a chance to take them back, to say he didn’t completely think them, he did not. In fact he even justified himself by saying even more harsh words. And maybe that is what is the most painful.

So now I’m at a crossroad and I don’t know which way to head to. I’ve been raised by my Grandma and she always told me that marriage is a serious thing you should not trifle with. I’ve tried to find solutions but now I just feel at a lost. Waking up early because you have a family to tend to is ok, waking up every morning to prepare my husband’s lunch and breakfast… Should it make such a difference? I know my husband loves me, but am I really supposed to agree with him thinking so low of me? To even think he would do a better job as a houseman than I do? Though that might have been right when we first arrived in Istanbul, I did go a long way since then and did much improve my cooking, planning, organizing and cleaning skills. When will it be enough?

It is a rough day and those are rash words to be sent on the internet but maybe it is time for me to just face it all and see where I’m heading to as well. It’s painful, definitely more painful than I thought it would ever be and I could use some kind words and maybe some advice as well.

I should post this now or I will never do so. Sorry all to bother you with such bad news, hope you’ll understand and not spread the word. There are only a very few people that have this blog address and I really would like to keep it from spreading out.

Big kisses.

Mara

Reading, reading... sharing?

I've been reading a lot lately (as usual) and as I have some difficulties to keep posting I thought that sharing my favorites quotes might be a good way to keep posting... So here is my first:

Marc Levy, Les enfants de la liberté :

« Le plus important, quand on veut vivre à deux toute une vie, est d’être sûr que l’on ne s’ennuiera pas ensemble. L’ennui dans un couple, c’est ce qu’il y a de pire, c’est lui qui tue l’amour. Tant que tu feras rire Alice, tant que tu lui donneras l’envie de te retrouver, alors que tu viens à peine de la quitter pour aller travailler, tant que tu seras celui dont elle partage les confidences et à qui elle aime aussi se confier, tant que tu vivras tes rêves avec elle, même ceux que tu ne pourras pas réaliser, alors je suis certaine que quelles que soient tes origines, la seule chose qui sera étrangère à votre couple sera le monde et ses jaloux. »

It seems that even quotes can tell a lot about someone's mind: my Husband and I have gone through a lot lately and this quote reminds me that it could be much worse! We have different views on many subjects but at least we are not borred and I still look forward for when he comes back from school. There is still hope!

Retaliation

Quote:  “The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” ― Thomas Szasz

It's been a while since I last wrote here. It's not that I didn't have anything to write about but simply that I didn't have time to do so. I still don't have much time, since we came back from holidays I spend my time cooking, reading and enjoying every minute I have. But there I am again in need of a friend.

I'm reading a very interesting cycle, that I have enjoyed in the past already, the blue bicycle by Regine Deforges. Its subject is the world war two and the book I'm currently reading is the one that disrupt me the most. (for those who know the cycle it's the third book). It goes about the end of the war and the way the French people treated the ones that collaborated or supposedly helped the Germans during the war. The crimes the Gestapo and the French people helping them have done were awful undoubtfully but the way those "free" French treated them don't seem any better to me. What I don’t understand is why people so upset about what those people did, ended up acting exactly the same way?

My Husband says I'm too naive and that this is the way people are. But, how can someone rightfully condemn another for doing something by doing exactly the same thing to that person? Not only at war but every day. Isn't that the reason we have codes and justice? to make sure that people that didn't behave well pay for what they did? It definitely is not the same and the system is far from being perfect, but would it really be ok to take justice into your own hands? Sath does think it is, I don’t think he would think long to fight back if ever someone attacked him, which I would understand, but if there was another option wouldn’t it be better to take it? I could understand that you protect yourself, but would it be ok afterwards to take justice into your own hand instead of going to the Authorities? And then, how long should we condemn people? Don’t they deserve a real second chance if they truly show they want one? Of course there are some people that show no remorse but it isn’t the majority, is it?

However, this leads to a second question: can everything be excused? is there a second chance for everything? Would people continue to behave according to morale if there were no consequences to their behavior? Isn’t that also why so many people collaborated with the Germans, thinking that no one would never know and they could just do whatever they wanted? But where is the limit? My mother often says that if she could she would kill the man that rapped and sequestrated those 4 little girls in Belgium. I can’t agree with her but I can’t say that I would’t agree if it had happen to someone in my Family. After watching the movie Trust (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1529572/) my Husband and I completely disagreed on the father’s actions. He said he would have behaved exactly the same way, that it is a father’s duty to protect its family and that he had to chase and fight back. I truly believe that there are other ways to react, first because his daughter needed him, and then because taking a life for a life wouldn’t serve anything. He would be dead, but how many are there to take his place? I truly believe that the way the parents of the girls in Belgium reacted was right. They build an association, one of the biggest at this time in Belgium and Europe, to help find missing children and to fight for children rights.

As my step father often says "we are always keener with ourselves than with the others". Maybe that just sums it up... I don't know, I honestly feel lost thinking that people can talk about justice and honesty and merit but confronted to “hardness” they throw it all away and act just like the people they condemn. I want to believe in second chances, I do believe that even in the worse person there can be some light. Does that make me naïve? Maybe, but is it wrong? I hope not because I definitely don’t want this part of myself to disappear.

What ae your thoughts on these subjects? Have you seen the movie Trust? what did you think about it?